Facebook ads as a straight, single woman

In case you're wondering, I'm actually a straight single man. On Facebook, I'm also 106 years old, mostly because of a desire to fabricate a fictional series of life events that just happen to coincide with major events in history (and, if you include H.P. Lovecraft, fiction). Yes, I'm weird.

One of the side effects of being a single, 106-year old male is a lot of senior dating ads. But, surprisingly, or not, there are other, non-senior ads. In fact, Facebook sees it fit to try to entice me with pictures of women who I feel are too young for me at 30, much less 106.

This got me thinking: Facebook ads as I see them are predominately political (liberal) and dating oriented. How would this look for a woman?

So I changed my Facebook gender.

The results weren't apparent, initially. But I can say, after about two weeks as a 106-year old single straight woman on Facebook, I can report the following differences:

1. I still get a lot of dating ads, but they are a bit classier.

No surprise, but the average woman is a bit classier than the average man. As a straight man, I got lots of boob shots. But as a straight woman, I get more tasteful ads. One thing I noticed is an ad that tries really hard to look like a fake inbox. Are women (specifically older women) perceived as more gullible? Or are advertisers in general trying to take greater advantage of confused misclicks?

But at least I'm not getting the "no credit card needed!" ads. (Oh, maybe that's on those other websites I visit.)

2. Some of the ads haven't updated to reflect my straight woman status.

LA Business Bootcamp advertises itself exclusively with pictures of amply endowed young women. This ad persists. Why? Well, maybe the advertiser didn't want to pay for more targeted advertising, and is simply spamming everyone with the same two images. Or maybe they *know* I'm really a straight, single, lonely man who is stupid enough to fall for a business workshop advertised by women in skin-tight T-shirts.

I (sadly) concluded long ago that whatever business I would likely be involved in will probably involve fully clothed people.

3. More phone ads.

This was a bit unexpected. Why would this be? Why didn't I notice cellphone ads as a male?

I have some possible guesses.

1. The US cellphone market is saturated, but women are (slightly) less likely to own an expensive smartphone than men.

According to this 2012 Pew research study, 93% of men and 88% of women own a cellphone. 59% of men own a smartphone, compared with 53% of women.
(There's actually a lot of interesting data. 63% of cellphone users use the phone to go online. Blacks and hispanics are more likely to own a smartphone than whites.)

These numbers don't seem all that different to me, and could be accounted for in many ways (for instance, women living longer than men, and fewer old people owning cellphones). But it might be enough of a difference for targeted advertising to pay off.

2. Women are actually the ones who pay the cellphone bills.

I wasn't able to find this data online. But given that, in families, women are often the ones who are in charge of budgeting, then it wouldn't surprise me to see numbers suggesting that women, not men, pay for cellphone plans. It would make sense for advertisers to target women more than men.

3. Random timing

Maybe I switched over at a time that providers have marked as a key time for switching contracts. Start of school year? Holiday season? Who knows? I sure don't, and I'm not going to look it up right now.

4. More weight loss ads

Sadly, this isn't a surprise. How does Facebook *know* that I need to lose about 25 pounds? It doesn't. But advertisers know that weight loss is a better sell with women than men. Boo to entrenched double standards and artificial constructions of beauty.

Seriously, I do need to lose some weight. Maybe I should click.

5. A few more clothes and furniture ads

This is also not a surprise, though somewhat less offensive than #4. I do miss those Bonobos ads that I used to get until about a year ago.

6. Fewer political ads

Does this reflect a somewhat sexist view that women are somehow less interested in politics than men? Or, does it reflect the probable reality that women are less hysterical* than men when it comes to politics, and therefore less easy to reach through FB ads?

*Yes, yes, I know.

Conclusion:

All in all, the experience has been a lot less exciting than I thought. I expected special insights into FB market segmentation, and the different world women inhabit. But I suppose if I really wanted the difference, I would go on a dating website and create a fake profile with a suitably attractive stock photo. Thankfully, I'm not that masochistic. (Goodness knows what messages I'd get if I advertised my masochism.)

In short, this was a bit of a waste of time -- doing it, thinking about it, and writing it. (Reading about it, too, no doubt.) I didn't gain any great insights. One doesn't expect to, when one limits efforts at understanding to a toe-dip into the digital pond. Looks like I'll have to actually listen and empathize with my friends who happen to be women.

The Great Facebook Purge

It started, oddly enough, with a birthday update a few days back.

Facebook was reminding me to wish so-and-so a "Happy Birthday!" Usually I deliberate briefly whether or not I feel like saying "Happy Birthday!", or "Happy Birthday X!", or, rarely, something even more customized.

Then it occurred to me. I have absolutely no knowledge of this person's life. Not just her recent life -- her life. I didn't know her well in school, and and I know her even less well now.

Why were we "friends", or, more specifically, "Facebook friends", that most tenuous of connections that can run the gamut between extreme hatred and adoration on one side, and complete indifference on the other?

It was then that I resolved to purge everyone with whom I can't remember having communication with in the last year.

As I went along, I made some exceptions. Some people I had kept out of misguided political thinking -- so-and-so was ambitious/proactive/well-connected. Then I realized that it has done a fat lot of good, and in a couple cases, had produced net pain in my life through oblivious inquiry when something was needed, and rapid departure back into the rarefied (to me) world of gainful employment in something socially estimable.

Some were obnoxious, and I cut them even if they had posted on my wall within the last six days.

Some were completely non-factors -- I hadn't noticed a single post by them in ages, either due to the sorting algorithm or their choice to spend their time differently. Not everyone uses Facebook the same way, nor should they.

Sometimes it was just me. I had done, or said, something weird, and thinking about communicating with that acquaintance just made me sick.

I also had no fucking clue who some people were. I blame the ability to change your name -- my memory is generally pretty good, even going back to high school. If I didn't remember you in high school, it's probably because you knew me by reputation, but I didn't know who you were. Sorry, but it's true.

And I unfriended my mom and stepdad. Really, they don't need to be my Facebook friends. If they want to get a status update, they'll yell from the next room. (Spoiler: I live at home! And I'm almost 30! He's a keeper!)

I also chuckled when I unfriended one member of a couple. Although it was invariably because I'm a non-factor in their lives, I get my jollies by thinking about whether it would ever come up in a conversation late at night, before they get to sleep. "So... Ryan was your friend?" Of course, silly. I never liked it when he started dating you, yet you glommed on like a barnacle. (Kidding in most cases. Dead serious in a few.)

I'll be honest -- I kept a couple people who are just physically attractive. Men as well as women. We like to be surrounded by beauty in this world, regardless of our sexual orientation or intensity, and I am no exception.

There were a few people I kept because of a handful of conversations in which I gained insight and sensitivity to them. One was a student who, when I explained feeling out of depth in a class sense at Cornell, told me his dad was a bus driver. I don't remember what his mom did. But it struck me, and something in that conversation still resonates, one-off as it might have been. Then there were HMC math professors who told me about their own humble backgrounds, or their fantastic volunteer work in education, for which they would get no academic advancement, but did anyway because they were damn decent human beings.

Similarly, a couple I kept because of the strength, or seeming strength, of friendship in the past. It was strong enough, and valuable enough, that I decided to keep them, though the relationship at present might be only so many stored variables on a hard drive somewhere. In some ways, it's like having photos of inspirational people on your wall--only these people were known to you, and mere time and distance, not the veil, have caused you to lose touch.

Also, there are a few people that are just too damn interesting to unfriend. They're as close as I get to celebrity watching. (None are "celebrities" or celebrity-types.)

I also noted that a reasonably large number (~30 or so) had up and left Facebook without me knowing. Their baby blue silhouettes were easy to discard, though I mourned some of them. Some of them would have been kept.

But in general, I found it surprisingly, disturbingly easy, and getting easier. And I admit -- I lied when I posted a while back congratulating the people that remained. I had pared away the surface, but refrained from making substantive cuts. That was probably a cut from 750 to 700.

This time is different. I cut to 324. That may still seem like too many friends, but keep in mind the "museum-piece friendships" described above.

Facebook does provide one thing: it provides an opportunity to reflect on the beginnings and endings of relationships in a way that memory alone, kind and cruel in its porousness, does not permit.

Without a regular job, or affiliation at a school, or clubs, I don't meet many new people. It has provided me with the necessity and opportunity to get to know some people better online than I had ever known them in school. I didn't expect this, and in some ways I didn't desire this, but so it is, and in some ways, I'm better for it.

It's easy to decry shallowness in relationships that aren't in-person; but a generation or two ago, people would have pen pals and letter correspondence for this reason. Think of it: what did it say about the strength of the distant relationship (or the fragility and facile nature of the local ones) that people would engage in long, wonderful letters, filled with more contemplation and thoughtfulness than, perhaps, a face-to-face conversation ever could? For some of us use penstrokes and typeset to communicate our hearts better than improvisation ever could.

At the same time, I can see that many relationships were ones of convenience. They are not to be diminished for them -- it's human nature that we bond with our roommates, or our classmates, or officemates, or people we see on a regular basis.

Doing a mental post-mortem on each relationship can be exhausting. But for a few, I paused, considered how I could've been a better friend, or how they could've contributed something more or different. In the vast majority of cases it was just a lack of sufficient compatibility on ideas, interests, and humor to make anything more of it.

But in a few cases, I feel there was something really to be mourned. A missed opportunity, or a quiet betrayal, or just bad luck. We can't be all things to all people, but there were a few I wish I had held more closely to me. (And while it might not be eternally "too late", it is, for the moment, prohibitive to repair the breach.)

Overall, I welcome this process. It helps me identify some common themes, whether it is humor, or thoughtfulness, or travel, that keeps me watching certain people, if not actively engaging with them regularly.

Finally, to anyone who might happen to be miffed at being cut and did a search for me that ended up here: please don't take it too personally. It's Facebook, for chrissakes. But if you want to have a comment fight over it, you can do so here. Who knows? It might be just what's needed to save a relationship, or build a new one from scratch.

Petition to the Obama Administration to Require a Facebook Dislike Button

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/require-facebook-provide-dislike-button/Zx9pBT4L

Here is the text for the lazy:

WE PETITION THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO:

Require Facebook to Provide a Dislike Button

Facebook has ignored petitions for a dislike button. As the prime social networking platform, it should better comply with the First Amendment, which protects free speech and respectful dissent.

Facebook finds a dislike button valuable enough to use internally, via Push Kharma, to provide feedback to its software engineers.

Here is why an opt-out dislike button is needed on Facebook.

1. It lets users express disapproval easily without being offensive.

2. A dislike button lets users distinguish between posts with little interest and controversial posts.

3. It works well on other websites.

4. Facebook accounts are not anonymous. Users are more accountable, making it less likely it will be abused.

5. An official button will destroy the demand for malware dislike button imposters.

Silly White House Petitions

Update: you can view my own petition for a Facebook dislike button here. Sign it - it needs 150 signatures before it can be viewed by the public on the White House website!

I was curious, so I decided to survey all of the 239 (at time of writing) active petitions at https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petitions.

Some are quite serious, calling for, among other things, the recognition of a Sikh genocide in India in 1984, GLBT (when did it stop being LGBT?) marriage equality, transplant rights for autistic children, concealed weapons in Illinois (which, it claims, is the only state that doesn't offer concealed permits), student loan relief for Peace Corps volunteers, appointing a pediatric oncologist to the National Cancer Advisory Board, and Federal income tax exemptions for wounded and disabled veterans. Also, with about 7,000 signatures, is a petition to have all religious organizations pay federal, state, and local sales tax. This is another one close to the threshold. There's also a petition for a revenue-neutral carbon tax -- someone is taking this process seriously. Another worth looking at: a petition to declassify findings by NSA mathematicians. Also, resurrecting FDR's Second Bill of Rights.

Also, I learned about the Chagossians. (The U.S. Government Must Redress Wrongs Against the Chagossians)


But then there are the secession petitions, from a lot of states -- most notably Texas. (Alaska gets points, or loses them, for using all caps in its petition title, as well as making a Moses reference "LET MY PEOPLE GO!") And there is a counter-petition to strip the secession petition signatories of citizenship. This one would actually deport them, and has met the requisite 25,000 votes. There are more, too.

Here are some noteworthy weird petitions:

Shut down White House petitions, since they never get a sincere response, few read them, & they are ultimately worthless

This one actually has a good point. Didn't they take lessons from the Chevy Tahoe ad campaign (which might have been more successful than I thought)? Or maybe it's just being hipsterish.


Transfer funds from the drug war to fund the research and development of the genetic engineering of domestic cat girls

So, this. Why girls? Why not boys? Someone might be thinking of another kind of stimulus plan, even hairier than the passage of the first two. As it has only 649 signatures, it appears that the male furry stoner demographic can't be bothered.


Uninstall Obama- meaning remove Barack Hussein Obama, his appointed government leaders, & failed policies from America.

Ok. So let's assume they're serious, instead of trying to make some sort of smarmy point. I think this person is calling for a coup within the confines of a White House petition drive. Either this person vastly overestimates the power of a petition directed at an authority the author regards as illegitimate... OR "uninstall" refers to some software that Obamabot is using. Surely, you didn't think Romneybot was the only Android-American running for President?

Create and Approve The MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON National Holiday.

All caps are probably a no-no when addressing the Executive Office of the President. At least the petition links to a list of his humanitarian efforts. Whatever day it ends up being, it probably has to be in the first half of the month (under 16).


Stop non-citizens from voting illegally and the states from illegally sending non-citizens voter ID cards. Stop Fraud!!

More than one exclamation point should disqualify a petition. In fact, any exclamation point is probably not good. No grammatical errors, but the author is clearly pissed that the residents-but-not-citizens gave the election to Obama. Also wants us tracked nationally by social security number, which entails... what? Anything different from the status quo?


Disban the Humane Society of The United States on the basis of fraud and racketeering .

So, they forgot the "d" at the end of "disband" in the title. Intrigued, I read the text. Evidently the author misspelled too ("to"), and tactics ("tatctics"). The author is also concerned about the Humane Society banning all farm ownership of animals. Is the author absolutely certain that the target is PETA?


Require Barack Obama To Allow The Public Examination Of His Birth Certificate Records & His College & University Records

Birthers aren't back. They never left! Now in a new flavor -- college transcripts!

Stop the War on Gaza

First, the author is giving the POTUS a lot of credit if they think he can stop the war in Gaza. Second, it claims that Israel started all the wars. I'm not the biggest supporter of Israeli foreign policy, but that just isn't true. Everyone has their own line for when something is Anti-Semitic, but the mere fact that I'm bringing it up says that this probably is not a reasonable petition. Only 600+ signatures, and it's kind of moot.


United States Government recognition that Israel authored the 9/11 Terror attacks

Wow. This has 620 signatures, all of which have been entered into an FBI watch list. Seriously, tinfoil hat conspiracies + Anti-Semitism = loads of crazy. Still, worth reading, because it apparently resulted in Bin Laden being killed several times (why wasn't his word good enough?) and central banking conspiracies.

Nationalize the Twinkie industry

Sign this. It's a strategic resource. Fat people will help America float as the oceans rise, because trust me, I used to be a scientist.

For certain counties (within respected states) to withdraw from California and Oregon and form the State of Jefferson.

It's respective, dumbass. And lest you think I'm being unfair, I read the petition, and the author clearly means "respective". The last sentence reads, "Please grant us our freedoms that is promised to us". Also, California appears to be "to [sic] diverse". It looks like Fallout 2 nailed the characterization of the average resident.

Establish new legal system of motorcycle riding "Judges" who serve as police, judge, jury, and executioner all in one.

Nice. Nearly 3,000 signatures, and 20 days to go. "That's Honorable Hell's Angels to you, bitch!"

Allow United States Military service members to place their hands in their pockets.

I did not know this was not permitted. Maybe it's seen as threatening to the local population. Maybe it inhibits readiness -- I've never tried to shoot a gun from a position of hands in pocket, but I can imagine it would be difficult. Bonus points for borrowing from the flowery language of the Declaration of Independence, and for being

provide University graduates ability to trade their diplomas back for 100% tuition refunds.

And I thought I was bitter about college.

We, the People, DEMAND an immediate, thorough and honest investigation into GEO-ENGINEERING, HAARP, & "CHEMTRAILS"

Lost points for shouting. Claims that we are the victims of biochemical warfare.

Support a Resolution of Expulsion of Mitch McConnell from the Senate for his disloyalty to the United States.

Was joking about the practice of ostracism via White House petitions. Evidently someone beat me to it, and is very specific.This was at least educational -- it claims that the Senate has expelled fifteen members in its history. Not a McConnell fan (though I do think he should have the screen name McConnellSanders), but I think this is a bit harsh, and probably not a good idea to approach this via the executive branch.

have the President to attend a Fark.com party. If scheduling does not permit, at least have a beer with Drew Curtis

Nicely done. Free advertising FTW!

End to the War On Coal, end the job killing policies of the EPA and require an economic impact analysis of new policies

Evidently this suggests that there is no economic impact report done for new pieces of regulation. Also, I'm no expert, but I think coal's been losing the war in the marketplace for some time. It currently has over 25,000 signers, so a response will be forthcoming.

Recount the election!

Nearly 64,000 signatures. Self-explanatory.

Include Licensed Naturopathic Physicians as primary care providers in the Federal Healthcare Law (Obamacare).

Not sure it will make it  (13,853, with 14 days to go). Perhaps like homeopathy, with fewer votes, it will be even stronger.

Repeal the House of Representatives Resolution 121 to stop aggravating int'l harassment by Korean propaganda & lies!

Persuade South Korea (the ROK) to accept Japan's proposal on territorial dispute over islets.

Remove the monument and not to support any international harassment related to this issue against the people of Japan.

I was not expecting to see a Japan lobby in these petitions. AIPAC is nowhere near here, other than a single proposal to support Israel no matter what (which probably does not have AIPAC involvement). I'm not sure if this is a testament to the weakness of the Japan lobby (also the Polish lobby), or if there are some Tule Lake folks that remain embittered. (Ask Google or your JA friends about the last bit.)

Note: these all have over 25,000 signatures. I didn't even know there were that many JA's left in America that were Internet-capable and gave a shit about politics. (Kidding. Barely.)

Light the White House Purple to Celebrate 75th Anniversary of March of Dimes and as Symbol of Hope to Preemie Families

It's over the threshold, and seems like a nice thing to do. Precedents, yes, but it's got the best shot of all of the petitions I've seen.

Stop destruction of our U-233 for more NASA space exploration, new cancer treatments and thorium based energy abundance!

I only learned recently about a small, obsessive group that believes in Thorium reactors. I'm ashamed that as a physics major, I don't know much about this type of reactor. But the vibe I got was similar to other groups that feel victimized and persecuted. (Related: see the surprisingly weakly supported petition, Answer ALL the questions posed by Congressman Ron Paul in his final speech on the House floor, Nov. 14, 2012.)

Help Free D. Randall Blythe From Prage, Czech Republic. Where he is falsely accused of commiting Manslaughter.

This is one of several petitions that ask for an intervention of some sort (pardon, reopened investigation, etc.) for a specific criminal case. I chose this one because it concerns a crime outside of the United States, thereby possibly necessitating federal involvement and because it is the only one above the threshold. If nothing else, the band Lamb of God has a decent number of fans.

What this taught me is that there is a paucity of well-written petitions. I've decided to create my own -- stay tuned!

You are very special

Yes, you are.

If you're reading this, then we are probably Facebook friends. And, believe it or not, that means something.

It means I spent some time contemplating and weighing the benefits and costs of maintaining what seems like the tenuous of connections. But remember: Facebook is my window to the outside world, to people scattered across the globe, from various points in my life. And so, the finger of judgment hovered, and sometimes lingered. But it ended up judging in your favor.

What does it mean, then?

It might mean that I think you're doing an amazing job studying/working things that I find both esoteric and amazing. I appreciate your commitment to knowledge and understanding, however specific or broad, or your dedication to your craft.

It might mean that I appreciate the standard you set in character -- that I still remember your kindness, your compassion, your thoughtfulness toward others.

It might mean we've laughed a lot -- a lot. As I grow older, humor is becoming increasingly important. Someday, it might surpass kindness, or generosity, or even courage. I don't think it will ever surpass truth -- I think humor is often profound truth wrapped in a comprehensible way.

It might mean that I find your thoughts and ideas fascinating. Or frustrating. Or downright ridiculous. But in any case, I appreciate your unique perspective (and in some of your cases, it's got to be unique).

It might be because you've taught me about family, about what it's like to be a good mother or father. Even though I don't think I'll ever raise children, I draw from your struggles, your heroism with the ordinary inconveniences and trials of parenthood, and am proud of your love for these little, vulnerable beings. I can put up with a lot of bullshit and ridiculousness from a person as long as I am convinced that they are a good parent.

It might be because I served as a mentor or teacher to you, and I care about you -- yes, you! -- enough to keep the door open. I've learned a lot about myself in guiding you, and for that, you have my gratitude. As long as you don't disappoint yourself, you'll never disappoint me.

But in all cases, it's because there is at least one thing about you that I find admirable. I should tell you specifically what it is, and I might, especially if it encourages you to focus on that and stop doing all the other nonsense that drives me nuts.

Thank you for your patience. In matters of care and consideration of others, I'm often negligent. You deserve better, and I hope to be able to deliver.

Thanks for reminding me of my honor, and of what this life has to offer. Please continue to remind me.

Thanks for reading.

How I failed a context clue test on Facebook

One state, two state, red state, blue state (part 2)

Part 1

Who am I? My name is Murdoch. 

I do not like my little stock. 

This is no good. This is not right. My journalists hack phones all night. And when I pull them in, Oh dear! My company gets trouble over here! 

We like our bike. 

It is made for three. 

Our Mike sits up in back, you see. 

We like our Mike and this is why: Mike does all the work when the hills get high. 

Hello there, Murdoch. How do you do? Tell me, tell me what is new? How are things in your little stock? 

What is new? Please tell me, Murdoch. 

I do not like this stock at all. A lot of things have come to call. A court, a judge, the press, David Cameron. 

Oh! What a cock! 

Oh! What a son! 

Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I can not hear. 

Will you please come over near? Will you please look in my ear? There must be something there, I fear. 

Say, look! A bird was in your ear. 

But he is out. So have no fear. 

...continued

One state, two state, red state, blue state - Part 1

One state, two state, red state, blue state. 

Black state, Jew state, old state, new state. 

This one has a little star. 

This one has a little car. 

Say! What a lot of states there are! 

Yes. Some are red. And some are blue. Some are old. And some are new. 

Some are sad. 

And some are glad. 

And some are very, very bad. 

Why are they sad and glad and bad? I do not know. Go ask your dad. 

Some are thin. And some are fat. 

The fat one has in yellow shat. 

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere. 

Here are some who like to run. 

They run for fun in the hot, hot sun. 

Oh me! Oh my! Oh me! Oh my! What a lot of funny things go by. 

Some have two feet and some have four. 

Some have six feet and some have more. 

Where do they come from? I can’t say. But I bet that have come a long, long way. 

Say! Look at his fingers! One, two, three… How many fingers do I see? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. He has eleven! 

Eleven! This is something new. I wish I had eleven, too! 

Bump! Bump! Bump! Did you ever ride a Trump? We have a Trump with just one hump. 

But we know a man called Mr. Grump. 

Mr. Grump has a seven hump Trump. 

And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.

And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast.

And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him?

And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months.

And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven.

And it was given unto him to make war with the saints, and to overcome them: and power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations.

And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.

If any man have an ear, let him hear.

He that leadeth into captivity shall go into captivity: he that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.
 -Revelations 13

So…if you like to go Bump! Bump! just jump on the stump with the Trump and Grump.

(Note: the Seuss story is quite long, and so I've decided to cut it here.)

Part 2

I deserve an orgy today! (And so do you!)

*Updated 8/23/2012, 12:36 PM
**Updated 8/23/2012, 12:47 PM

At first glance, it appears to be an Civony/Evony ad. (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, read the wiki section on its advertising campaign.)

I was going to post it in the folder “the Internets make me laugh”. But, for purely scholastic reasons, I decided to investigate further. Evidently Wartune is made by R2games, a company based out of Hong Kong specializing in online micropayment games.

This immediately piqued my interest – why, precisely, would a Chinese firm choose the path of appealing to our prurient public performance proclivities?

Perhaps this was a subtle form of Communist propaganda. After all, in the truest form of Communism, individualism is seen as antiquated and selfish; rather, the individual belongs to each other. (Note that I am referencing Marx’s form of Communism, in which the terminus of historical evolution results in the withering of the state, and not its more historical totalitarian manifestations.) In such a utopia, the individual’s body doesn't truly belong to the self, but to everyone.

 If so, this insidious form of brainwashing is an outrage, and has no place on sites accessible in America, and warrants the formation of a national firewall. How else can we safeguard our liberty and proud tradition of sexual repression than by employing a national internet censor?

 But just as I was about to call my congresswoman, another thought occurred to me. On the contrary, it might in fact a subtle critique of the Communist party. Historically, and across cultural bounds, totalitarian Communism has been characterized by strong restrictions on individual conduct, going as far as to enforce a moral code. What better way to protest than with public displays of affection – already censured near areas like the Forbidden Palace? *insert picture here of two women making out at said location behind the back of a guard*

Would Tank Man have been more effective if, instead of shopping bags, he had been holding the ample bosoms of fellow protesters? The tank driver might have joined them, and history as we know it would be different.

Yet perhaps I am being too pedestrian, and not giving enough credence to a more universal message. Could it be that the game company is trying to encourage the individual to achieve self-actualization?

Shouldn't we seek to unshackle ourselves from societal norms that reinforce negative self-image, borne in a desire to control population and social mobility, a desire made impotent by the availability of inexpensive prophylactics and topical creams?

 How much misery have we visited on ourselves, and upon other people, by denying the universal and natural desire to have sex with hundreds of people in a public place?

This, THIS explanation was the most satisfying. And it was then that I resolved to be part of the vanguard of this revolution. I have shed my clothes, and my cloak of shame, and am prepared to frolic in the streets, bringing to others, and myself, the emancipation of self.

And I owe it all to an advertisement.

I deserve an orgy TODAY. And so do you, dear reader. So do you. So let's go forth and orgiate.

As Mr. Rogers once said, “It's time for make-believe with Mr. McFeely.”

*Evidently I'm a bit too forward thinking for the LA County Sheriff's Deputies. Would someone please bring a $10,000 bail bond to the local jailhouse?

**Yes, I used my one phone call to update my blog. Besides, I found something that might invalidate my previous analysis. This was also on the R2games site.

Maybe a subsequent analysis will explore the orgy connection with resurgent right-wing extremism in Northern Europe. Perhaps I'll ask the nice Nordic gentleman that shares a cell with me.

WolframAlpha is interesting, but occasionally farts

I was using WolframAlpha recently as a graphing calculator. For those of you who don't know, WolframAlpha is a remarkable site that serves as a graphing calculator, computational tool, and aggregator of information. You can do a search for lots of things - not all technical in nature.

It is generally reliable, although I did run into a problem in which it returned only one of two correct roots (a quadratic involving sixth roots, or something like that; unfortunately, I didn't save the output.)

I was once curious about the demographic trends between Brians and Ryans in America. To my delight, it appears Ryan will soon become the dominant name in America.

Maybe Brians will have their names mangled, for a change.

But, occasionally, the outputs are really weird.

I'm not sure how I got this output - maybe I accidentally clicked on something. Maybe the book I was reading at the time somehow bumped the right set of keys. But I ended up with this.

Contrasts it with a query involving an actual celestial object.

I think God is telling me to get in touch with my roots. Either that, or Sanrio and WolframAlpha are engaged in a massive conspiracy to take over the United States using kawaii pilots.

70 years is still too soon. Who in the world thought this was a good idea?