Silly White House Petitions

Update: you can view my own petition for a Facebook dislike button here. Sign it - it needs 150 signatures before it can be viewed by the public on the White House website!

I was curious, so I decided to survey all of the 239 (at time of writing) active petitions at https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petitions.

Some are quite serious, calling for, among other things, the recognition of a Sikh genocide in India in 1984, GLBT (when did it stop being LGBT?) marriage equality, transplant rights for autistic children, concealed weapons in Illinois (which, it claims, is the only state that doesn't offer concealed permits), student loan relief for Peace Corps volunteers, appointing a pediatric oncologist to the National Cancer Advisory Board, and Federal income tax exemptions for wounded and disabled veterans. Also, with about 7,000 signatures, is a petition to have all religious organizations pay federal, state, and local sales tax. This is another one close to the threshold. There's also a petition for a revenue-neutral carbon tax -- someone is taking this process seriously. Another worth looking at: a petition to declassify findings by NSA mathematicians. Also, resurrecting FDR's Second Bill of Rights.

Also, I learned about the Chagossians. (The U.S. Government Must Redress Wrongs Against the Chagossians)


But then there are the secession petitions, from a lot of states -- most notably Texas. (Alaska gets points, or loses them, for using all caps in its petition title, as well as making a Moses reference "LET MY PEOPLE GO!") And there is a counter-petition to strip the secession petition signatories of citizenship. This one would actually deport them, and has met the requisite 25,000 votes. There are more, too.

Here are some noteworthy weird petitions:

Shut down White House petitions, since they never get a sincere response, few read them, & they are ultimately worthless

This one actually has a good point. Didn't they take lessons from the Chevy Tahoe ad campaign (which might have been more successful than I thought)? Or maybe it's just being hipsterish.


Transfer funds from the drug war to fund the research and development of the genetic engineering of domestic cat girls

So, this. Why girls? Why not boys? Someone might be thinking of another kind of stimulus plan, even hairier than the passage of the first two. As it has only 649 signatures, it appears that the male furry stoner demographic can't be bothered.


Uninstall Obama- meaning remove Barack Hussein Obama, his appointed government leaders, & failed policies from America.

Ok. So let's assume they're serious, instead of trying to make some sort of smarmy point. I think this person is calling for a coup within the confines of a White House petition drive. Either this person vastly overestimates the power of a petition directed at an authority the author regards as illegitimate... OR "uninstall" refers to some software that Obamabot is using. Surely, you didn't think Romneybot was the only Android-American running for President?

Create and Approve The MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON National Holiday.

All caps are probably a no-no when addressing the Executive Office of the President. At least the petition links to a list of his humanitarian efforts. Whatever day it ends up being, it probably has to be in the first half of the month (under 16).


Stop non-citizens from voting illegally and the states from illegally sending non-citizens voter ID cards. Stop Fraud!!

More than one exclamation point should disqualify a petition. In fact, any exclamation point is probably not good. No grammatical errors, but the author is clearly pissed that the residents-but-not-citizens gave the election to Obama. Also wants us tracked nationally by social security number, which entails... what? Anything different from the status quo?


Disban the Humane Society of The United States on the basis of fraud and racketeering .

So, they forgot the "d" at the end of "disband" in the title. Intrigued, I read the text. Evidently the author misspelled too ("to"), and tactics ("tatctics"). The author is also concerned about the Humane Society banning all farm ownership of animals. Is the author absolutely certain that the target is PETA?


Require Barack Obama To Allow The Public Examination Of His Birth Certificate Records & His College & University Records

Birthers aren't back. They never left! Now in a new flavor -- college transcripts!

Stop the War on Gaza

First, the author is giving the POTUS a lot of credit if they think he can stop the war in Gaza. Second, it claims that Israel started all the wars. I'm not the biggest supporter of Israeli foreign policy, but that just isn't true. Everyone has their own line for when something is Anti-Semitic, but the mere fact that I'm bringing it up says that this probably is not a reasonable petition. Only 600+ signatures, and it's kind of moot.


United States Government recognition that Israel authored the 9/11 Terror attacks

Wow. This has 620 signatures, all of which have been entered into an FBI watch list. Seriously, tinfoil hat conspiracies + Anti-Semitism = loads of crazy. Still, worth reading, because it apparently resulted in Bin Laden being killed several times (why wasn't his word good enough?) and central banking conspiracies.

Nationalize the Twinkie industry

Sign this. It's a strategic resource. Fat people will help America float as the oceans rise, because trust me, I used to be a scientist.

For certain counties (within respected states) to withdraw from California and Oregon and form the State of Jefferson.

It's respective, dumbass. And lest you think I'm being unfair, I read the petition, and the author clearly means "respective". The last sentence reads, "Please grant us our freedoms that is promised to us". Also, California appears to be "to [sic] diverse". It looks like Fallout 2 nailed the characterization of the average resident.

Establish new legal system of motorcycle riding "Judges" who serve as police, judge, jury, and executioner all in one.

Nice. Nearly 3,000 signatures, and 20 days to go. "That's Honorable Hell's Angels to you, bitch!"

Allow United States Military service members to place their hands in their pockets.

I did not know this was not permitted. Maybe it's seen as threatening to the local population. Maybe it inhibits readiness -- I've never tried to shoot a gun from a position of hands in pocket, but I can imagine it would be difficult. Bonus points for borrowing from the flowery language of the Declaration of Independence, and for being

provide University graduates ability to trade their diplomas back for 100% tuition refunds.

And I thought I was bitter about college.

We, the People, DEMAND an immediate, thorough and honest investigation into GEO-ENGINEERING, HAARP, & "CHEMTRAILS"

Lost points for shouting. Claims that we are the victims of biochemical warfare.

Support a Resolution of Expulsion of Mitch McConnell from the Senate for his disloyalty to the United States.

Was joking about the practice of ostracism via White House petitions. Evidently someone beat me to it, and is very specific.This was at least educational -- it claims that the Senate has expelled fifteen members in its history. Not a McConnell fan (though I do think he should have the screen name McConnellSanders), but I think this is a bit harsh, and probably not a good idea to approach this via the executive branch.

have the President to attend a Fark.com party. If scheduling does not permit, at least have a beer with Drew Curtis

Nicely done. Free advertising FTW!

End to the War On Coal, end the job killing policies of the EPA and require an economic impact analysis of new policies

Evidently this suggests that there is no economic impact report done for new pieces of regulation. Also, I'm no expert, but I think coal's been losing the war in the marketplace for some time. It currently has over 25,000 signers, so a response will be forthcoming.

Recount the election!

Nearly 64,000 signatures. Self-explanatory.

Include Licensed Naturopathic Physicians as primary care providers in the Federal Healthcare Law (Obamacare).

Not sure it will make it  (13,853, with 14 days to go). Perhaps like homeopathy, with fewer votes, it will be even stronger.

Repeal the House of Representatives Resolution 121 to stop aggravating int'l harassment by Korean propaganda & lies!

Persuade South Korea (the ROK) to accept Japan's proposal on territorial dispute over islets.

Remove the monument and not to support any international harassment related to this issue against the people of Japan.

I was not expecting to see a Japan lobby in these petitions. AIPAC is nowhere near here, other than a single proposal to support Israel no matter what (which probably does not have AIPAC involvement). I'm not sure if this is a testament to the weakness of the Japan lobby (also the Polish lobby), or if there are some Tule Lake folks that remain embittered. (Ask Google or your JA friends about the last bit.)

Note: these all have over 25,000 signatures. I didn't even know there were that many JA's left in America that were Internet-capable and gave a shit about politics. (Kidding. Barely.)

Light the White House Purple to Celebrate 75th Anniversary of March of Dimes and as Symbol of Hope to Preemie Families

It's over the threshold, and seems like a nice thing to do. Precedents, yes, but it's got the best shot of all of the petitions I've seen.

Stop destruction of our U-233 for more NASA space exploration, new cancer treatments and thorium based energy abundance!

I only learned recently about a small, obsessive group that believes in Thorium reactors. I'm ashamed that as a physics major, I don't know much about this type of reactor. But the vibe I got was similar to other groups that feel victimized and persecuted. (Related: see the surprisingly weakly supported petition, Answer ALL the questions posed by Congressman Ron Paul in his final speech on the House floor, Nov. 14, 2012.)

Help Free D. Randall Blythe From Prage, Czech Republic. Where he is falsely accused of commiting Manslaughter.

This is one of several petitions that ask for an intervention of some sort (pardon, reopened investigation, etc.) for a specific criminal case. I chose this one because it concerns a crime outside of the United States, thereby possibly necessitating federal involvement and because it is the only one above the threshold. If nothing else, the band Lamb of God has a decent number of fans.

What this taught me is that there is a paucity of well-written petitions. I've decided to create my own -- stay tuned!

Innocence of Muslims and Vietnamese video stores

The recent arrest of Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, the alleged creator of the inflammatory film, Innocence of Muslims, reminds me of something that happened about 13 years ago. I don't remember if it received national or international coverage, but I thought it worth mentioning, as it was a big deal at my high school.

In 1999, Truong Van Tran operated Hi-Tek, a video rental store in Westminster, California. Westminster goes by the nickname "Little Saigon" because of its sizable Vietnamese population. Most were refugees fleeing from the Communists, and many were ex-ARVN. As you can imagine, the vast majority absolutely hated Ho Chi Minh. Memories of "reeducation" were fresh in that community.

The community erupted around the holiday season of Tet when Tran put up a picture of Ho Chi Minh and the Communist Vietnamese flag in his store. The number of protesters reached 10,000, with many chanting, singing patriotic songs, and waving South Vietnamese flags. I don't recall that the protests ever turned violent, but they got close a few times.

The story resonated at my high school because there was a number of Vietnamese in the student body (and one somewhat eccentric history teacher, named Mr. Dong). Perhaps differently from those in Little Saigon, many emigrated from Vietnam long after the Vietnam War. It's not obvious whether that made them more or less likely to hate the Communist regime. I know that my friend emigrated in the 1990s, and that his father, a former South Vietnamese government official, had been "reeducated". There may have been others with similar stories.

Eventually, Tran was arrested for video piracy, documented by news cameras that showed lots of bootleg videos in his store.

Similarly, Nakoula was arrested for parole violations, something unrelated to his film.

Now there are important differences. The Westminster protests in 1999 were largely localized and largely peaceful, and directly affected a relatively small group. By contrast, the protests over Innocence of Muslims is global (around 1 billion Muslims and counting) and violent.

But both provide a window into the sometimes conflicting goals of free speech and public order in America.

Some critics would argue that both cases were the result of government and interested parties finding a convenient excuse to make a problem go away. Others would argue that anyone under such high scrutiny would probably be shown to have broken some law. And, finally, it has to be acknowledged that anyone willing to do things that are so mind-numbingly stupid might be more likely to run afoul of social norms and the legal system. (Remember folks, just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean that you should, and it definitely doesn't guarantee it's smart.)

The truth is, all of these factors were probably operating. There is a gulf between our ideals, whether free speech or otherwise, and the extent to which our society reflects them.

We'll see what happens with this guy. Based on the Tran case study, Nakoula probably won't go away -- Tran protested Garden Grove's resolution to make it harder for Vietnamese government officials to pay visits.

We'll also see how this gets reported in the Muslim world, and if this does anything to stem the violent protests.