Dastardly Remander: A review of three borrowed audio books and a confession of colossal stupidity

On my recent trip up north, I took some audio books. I borrowed them from the local library.

I had to make some difficult choices...

One of these is fanciful fiction of the most incredible sort.
The other takes place mostly on a boat.

I ended up settling on four books:

The Great Courses: Great Battles of the Ancient World (Part 1 of 2), Garett G. Fagan
At The Mountains of Madness, H.P. Lovecraft
Slaughterhouse 5, Kurt Vonnegut
Master and Commander, Patrick O'Brian

I ended up getting to the first three. Great Battles of the Ancient World and At The Mountains of Madness covered the trip up there, and Master and Commander covered the trip down.

Don't judge audio books by their covers.

I do judge people by their covers. Looks "academic" enough.

The Great Courses: Great Battles of the Ancient World (Part 1 of 2)lectures by Garrett G. Fagan
copyright 2005, The Teaching Company

I was most excited by this one, and so I cracked it open first. Fagan has a high, Irish accent, one that probably would grate on me in a social setting but perfectly suited to a set of lectures on ancient conflict. He spent a great deal of time on methodology and built a case for his views on ancient conflict. In short, Herodotus exaggerates and lies. Also, artwork and official accounts tend to skew toward the rich, overstating the importance and number of chariots and other elite units. I have no benchmark by which to compare his conclusions to those he discusses and demolishes, but they seem plausible, if somewhat less exciting.

Don't ask me for specifics on Sumer, Akkad, Megiddo, Kadesh, Troy, Lachish, Marathon, or Thermopylae. I was listening while dodging minivans who thought it fit to go 95 on I-5. Still, I did get a sense that the hoplite actually fought in a more open formation, rather than the traditional view of a bunch of dudes 8 deep pushing with unwieldy spears. I now want to find part two and get to Alexander and Rome.

"Disclaimer: The County of Los Angeles Public Library assumes no
responsibility for damage of any nature whatsoever to a customer's
equipment as a result of use of Library's materials."

Does this cover madness? 

At the Mountains of Madness
Written by H. P. Lovecraft
Performed by Jim Killavey
copyright 2014 by JimCin Recordings

I had read At The Mountains of Madness before, many years ago, and enjoyed it. I even liked the trailer for the upcoming movie!

(Spoiler: it's a fake, but it looked good. Wasn't so excited over a fan trailer since Titanic II. And yes, I have seen Encino Man.)

My first warning should have been the production company: Sounds Terrifying: Mystery and Thriller Audiobooks. What a groaner.

My second warning was that I probably read At The Mountains of Madness during a period of acute depression and unemployment, which probably meant that I was not of particularly discriminating or sensitive taste.

In any case, what can I say? I wish I could say that I could imagine, driving up highway 101 among hills, that I could visualize the forbidding titular mountains. But my god!--the voice droned and inflected in a way that sounded like it was trying to thread a balance between drama and narration, and failing at both.

Perhaps it wasn't the speaker's fault. H. P. Lovecraft is, unfortunately, perhaps a gawdawful writer. He was so redundant I thought I was listening to my mom tell me for the tenth time about a person I didn't care about doing something completely inane and boring. He stated the title directly in what seemed like no fewer than five instances. He stretched out the exploration of the abandoned city in a way that killed tension, rather than enhanced it. And, finally, he made the horrible decision to have his narrator break from the story to express hesitation about continuing so frequently that it lost all power.

The most terrifying sound I heard on the CD wasn't "Tekili-li!". It was "Please insert the next CD."

I hesitate to go back and read The Shadows of Innsmouth. I liked that book, too, but I wonder if it holds up as badly. I'll probably definitely not listen to it.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Master and Commander
By Patrick O'Brian
Read by John Lee
copyright 2003 Books on Tape, Inc.

I have a close friend from college who told me he had read all of the Master and Commander books. I knew he was an anglophile and loved Napoleonic naval stuff. But I couldn't imagine why, or how, he did so. I can't remember if it was in grad school or high school; one seems a more likely time for a 20-novel bingefest than the other, especially because said friend grew up without a TV.

Also, I saw the movie, and enjoyed it.

I decided to get it because he and I tended to have similar tastes when it came to historical interests, though my knowledge of Napoleonic naval warfare was limited to some Wikipedia entries on the Battle of the Nile, itself prompted by Haydn's Missa in angustiis ("Lord Nelson Mass"). (The backstory on that work is great -- in my mind only eclipsed by the background of Shostakovich's 7th symphony, ("Leningrad").

This was a superb audiobook.

First, O'Brian is a delightful author, treating the neophyte with a slough of naval taxonomy that I couldn't follow, but still appreciated. He describes a constellation of characters that are interesting and diverse. A recent Atlantic article compared the series with Game of Thrones (which I have completely read but not watched). In some ways I can see that, though Master and Commander, by its nature, is more proscribed in its settings. But the dynamic of the two main characters -- Dr. Jack Aubrey and Dr. Steven Maturin -- surrounded by a maelstrom of characters, plots, conflict, and actual maelstroms -- makes for wonderful listening, and no doubt, engrossing reading.

I have been told that the series does get a bit repetitive -- it would be a remarkable feat to keep it completely fresh with a nautical setting across 20 novels -- but that it's still worth reading the first few novels. I am somewhat more convinced.

A word on the narrator: I think this performer did a fantastic job of subtly, but clearly, delineating the differences between the characters. He did so without too much affectation, though he did modulate his accent slightly. Sometimes, I think the effect was one more of modifying tone rather than timbre, which is fine by me. I consider this the best audiobook I've listened to, with Unbroken (not reviewed) second, on the quality of the narration.


Epilogue:
After returning home, I searched frantically for the 12th and final Master and Commander CD. I was tired when I finished the book, and driving at the time, so I had sandwiched it among the student notebooks and garbage that covered the passenger seat. After an 11 hour drive, I was spent and went to sleep.

After a couple days, I thought about it and started searching for the CD. No luck. Had I thrown it out with the garbage? Was it squeezed between the folds of the seat? Embedded in one of the multitudinous, seemingly self-replicating notebooks that I had?

Here I channel Lovecraft:

Dark dreams began to take hold of me, dreams in which I walked up the steps of the library of the cursed city of Leng, cradling a secret sin, 11 genuine CDs and one blank. Could I be capable of such evil? Azathoth was blind and an idiot, but wouldn't he know?

Here I hesitate to continue reader. Although guided by the same mission that I had obscurely mentioned multiple times before, I have to fill some space by expressing horror and disgust that I will continue (but yes, I will continue). It is only to prevent others from the same folly unending, and from unleashing unimaginable catastrophe, that I state what I am about to state, etc.

After spending nearly two weeks of searching with sporadic freneticism, I eventually noticed something:

As in, 11 CDs for Master and Commander. I checked: the 11th CD does end with "Here ends the reading of Master and Commander, by Patrick O'Brian..."

So I wasn't missing a CD. I had spent hours scouring through the detritus of lost civilizations that constitute my trunk and front passenger seat of my car, all because I failed to make the logical jump that, maybe, just maybe, I had miscounted the number of CDs consumed in an 11-hour, caffeine-directed, bladder-destroying drive from Garberville to Hacienda Heights. And maybe, just maybe, I should, I don't know, read the notes on the thing from the library.

I used to joke about being functionally illiterate. Must I add innumeracy to my manifesto of armchair diagnoses?

Also, apologies to Ethan Hawke. I'll get to Slaughterhouse Five if I can before the renewal date. I should -- it's too cute that there are exactly 5 CDs.

Because 5 is in the title, right? I'm expecting a laugh riot.

Testicles

At this time, it may pay to remember that Greece, for all its present troubles, was the birthplace of some of the greatest figures in history. We remember Themistocles who fought at Marathon, successfully foresaw the need to create a massive navy and defeated the greatest military power on Earth at Salamis, and experienced a tragic defeat politically that left him exiled and in service to the very power he had defeated. We remember Alcibiades for his brilliance and unorthodox tactics, as well as his lack of loyalty to any one power.

But history has neglected one famous figure who has much to teach us about Greece’s, and the world’s, present crisis.

I speak, of course, of Testicles.

The story of Testicles can be summed up as follows:

As a young man, Testicles was a harmless, innocent member of society, overly sensitive and not particularly useful, as seen by his peers. Scorned, ridiculed, and misunderstood, Testicles would flee from the cold world into a warm, inner world fueled by growing hatred. One day, Testicles descended into the Underworld, seeking fame and glory to rid him of the taint of worthlessness ascribed to him by his fellow villagers.

No one knows quite what happened next. Some said the Gods took pity on him and endowed him with greater vigor and aggressiveness, to correct for his previous timidity. Others say he slew and drank the blood of Cerberus, taking on the fiend’s strength and power, at the cost of furriness. Whatever the case, the world would be forever changed by Testicles’ descent.

For after this time, Testicles was no longer content to engage in the day-to-day chores and menial labor that characterized his previous experience. Returning, stronger, larger, and more aggressive to his home village, he shunned the acts of farming and fishing to seize power from the wise council of elders that had led through years of peace and modest prosperity. And, once seizing control of the body politic, Testicles was not content to stop at his home village. He sought new conquest, and new glory, abroad.

There was initial shock of seeing the outcast in a position of command and dominance. Yet the people forgive and forget, especially as victory followed victory and the village grew to the center of a kingdom, with Testicles in charge. Testicles’ people grew rich, and forgot the wisdom of the elders, and celebrated their new lives as conquerors in conflict and commerce.

All the lands around the village now followed Testicles. Yet Testicles, never one for genuflection or to solicit outside advice, sought more. Attempts to moderate Testicles' impulses fell short; having spent most of his life in the shadows, Testicles refused to be handled by anyone.

Year after year, his empire grew. And with every conquest, Testicles felt he could do no wrong, and that he was destined to be a God. People worshiped Testicles, and he celebrated that the taint of failure that characterized his early life receded further and further behind.

But, as tyrants often do, he ultimately overreached.

After conquering a vast empire, he now sought to conquer the Undeworld itself. By overthrowing Hades, the God of Death, he believed he would become immortal and a God himself.

Testicles raised a massive army. The people, blinded by their loyalty to their Testicles, followed him into the underworld. Again, no one knows precisely what happened. But legend says that, in pitched battle, Hades himself smote Testicles, and kicked him into the fiery pits of Tartarus, where fire consumed Testicles, and the smell of burning fur and flesh terrified the army into fleeing.

In the aftermath, the empire disintegrated, and humbled, the Council of Elders was reconstituted. To this day, Greek schoolchildren in the small village remember the defeat by kicking Testicles in effigy over and over, and finally burning the effigy of Testicles, complete with fur and animal flesh, so that their children remember, viscerally, the horror of the defeat. As the Elders say, it is a painful, but necessary, reminder of the dangers of hubris, and the importance of being content with modest blessings.

Hopefully, we, too, can learn the lesson from this tale of what happens when we let Testicles guide our destiny.