Testicles

At this time, it may pay to remember that Greece, for all its present troubles, was the birthplace of some of the greatest figures in history. We remember Themistocles who fought at Marathon, successfully foresaw the need to create a massive navy and defeated the greatest military power on Earth at Salamis, and experienced a tragic defeat politically that left him exiled and in service to the very power he had defeated. We remember Alcibiades for his brilliance and unorthodox tactics, as well as his lack of loyalty to any one power.

But history has neglected one famous figure who has much to teach us about Greece’s, and the world’s, present crisis.

I speak, of course, of Testicles.

The story of Testicles can be summed up as follows:

As a young man, Testicles was a harmless, innocent member of society, overly sensitive and not particularly useful, as seen by his peers. Scorned, ridiculed, and misunderstood, Testicles would flee from the cold world into a warm, inner world fueled by growing hatred. One day, Testicles descended into the Underworld, seeking fame and glory to rid him of the taint of worthlessness ascribed to him by his fellow villagers.

No one knows quite what happened next. Some said the Gods took pity on him and endowed him with greater vigor and aggressiveness, to correct for his previous timidity. Others say he slew and drank the blood of Cerberus, taking on the fiend’s strength and power, at the cost of furriness. Whatever the case, the world would be forever changed by Testicles’ descent.

For after this time, Testicles was no longer content to engage in the day-to-day chores and menial labor that characterized his previous experience. Returning, stronger, larger, and more aggressive to his home village, he shunned the acts of farming and fishing to seize power from the wise council of elders that had led through years of peace and modest prosperity. And, once seizing control of the body politic, Testicles was not content to stop at his home village. He sought new conquest, and new glory, abroad.

There was initial shock of seeing the outcast in a position of command and dominance. Yet the people forgive and forget, especially as victory followed victory and the village grew to the center of a kingdom, with Testicles in charge. Testicles’ people grew rich, and forgot the wisdom of the elders, and celebrated their new lives as conquerors in conflict and commerce.

All the lands around the village now followed Testicles. Yet Testicles, never one for genuflection or to solicit outside advice, sought more. Attempts to moderate Testicles' impulses fell short; having spent most of his life in the shadows, Testicles refused to be handled by anyone.

Year after year, his empire grew. And with every conquest, Testicles felt he could do no wrong, and that he was destined to be a God. People worshiped Testicles, and he celebrated that the taint of failure that characterized his early life receded further and further behind.

But, as tyrants often do, he ultimately overreached.

After conquering a vast empire, he now sought to conquer the Undeworld itself. By overthrowing Hades, the God of Death, he believed he would become immortal and a God himself.

Testicles raised a massive army. The people, blinded by their loyalty to their Testicles, followed him into the underworld. Again, no one knows precisely what happened. But legend says that, in pitched battle, Hades himself smote Testicles, and kicked him into the fiery pits of Tartarus, where fire consumed Testicles, and the smell of burning fur and flesh terrified the army into fleeing.

In the aftermath, the empire disintegrated, and humbled, the Council of Elders was reconstituted. To this day, Greek schoolchildren in the small village remember the defeat by kicking Testicles in effigy over and over, and finally burning the effigy of Testicles, complete with fur and animal flesh, so that their children remember, viscerally, the horror of the defeat. As the Elders say, it is a painful, but necessary, reminder of the dangers of hubris, and the importance of being content with modest blessings.

Hopefully, we, too, can learn the lesson from this tale of what happens when we let Testicles guide our destiny.