Throwing in the towel and trying to believe in God

Couldn't sleep. Tried being angry at certain friends for trying to check me into a mental hospital three months ago (a long story, perhaps worth writing at some point), then tried forgiving. Tried reading and watching comedy. Tried paranoia, and video games, and eating ice cream. The long and short of it is that, at this point, I've decided to throw in the towel. Against the vestiges of what remains of my judgment, and even against part of what remains of my principles, I'm going to try to believe in God. Sorta.

I wish I could say it's because I have faith. I have none. I know enough religious history to see the flaws in basing one's beliefs on a text written two thousand years ago that was definitely a product of its time and place. Probably will have to throw out Leviticus completely, and possibly most of the Old Testament. I'd probably be a Unitarian if I hadn't found the service structure in Ithaca so bizarre.

But I know I've got to believe in something beyond myself. 

No, it's because of exhaustion. Sheer, utter exhaustion about my current life. Mom has worn me down with her mysticism/spiritualism. Besides, too many atheists I know are a bit too self-righteous about their lack of faith.

I think a key difference is that they have a greater sense of control over their own destiny and future than I do. I'm pretty helpless right now; I don't have confidence in my sanity or my ability to do anything non-destructive. Consequently, it doesn't really make a difference to me whether an all-powerful entity is making me experience what in my mind is Job-lite suffering, or if it's a matter of brain chemistry, collapsing wavefunctions, and psychohistory.

Part of it is that I hate the part of myself that placed a barrier between me and a couple of my cousins. Though we have very different views on homosexuality, Biblical literalism, and politics, they've always been there for me in ways others haven't been. They've demonstrated courage and character in their own lives, and been excellent fathers. In case you haven't noticed, father issues are kind of a big deal for me.

I sometimes misinterpreted their kindness as a desire to convert, and not genuine love and affection for their youngest cousin. It's more telling of my own problems trusting people that I took it that way, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Lance and Warren, for judging you less on your relationships with me and more by what you called yourselves.

I don't plan on adpoting that anti-gay nonsense. Believe me, I seriously considered "coming out" to my family just to try and trigger some thought. But it's just not in me (pun intended). Besides, I know some great gay guys who have been tremendous emotional supports. One guy lives in Germany, and yet took the time - on his birthday - to write a lengthy, heartfelt note to me, expressing concern about what I've gone through with my dad and my recent life struggles.

And no bullshit socioeconomics couched in religious determinism. Really, from what little I know of Satanism, it is philosophically similar to Objectivism.

But I am cutting back on the politics. Honestly, I'm no good to anyone while I'm struggling with depression, joblessness, and generalized despair.

I've felt that it's a bit selfish and weak to try belief simply because life is going poorly. But I suppose that's me being judgmental. Things are going poorly enough that maybe I don't have the luxury of waiting for genuine faith.

I also wonder whether I would have reached this point had I a better natural support network - more accurately, if I were better able to reach out and make and keep friends I trusted. Church can seen to be a bit lazier in that regard. But so are filters on OkCupid, or anything other than completely random encounters. I'm presently isolated from all pre-fab communities, and the church is one I'm most familiar with. I don't know if, or when, it will translate into attendance - my own shame is a barrier.

Finally, I know that faith isn't at its best when taken a la carte. Will I be forced to swallow Leviticus as the price for embracing the Parable of the Sower? Can I reconcile the sometimes atheistic existentialist nature of Ecclesiastes with the rest of the Bible? These lack of consistencies, either within the Bible or with my own sense of morality, once led me away from belief, and it may do so again.

But I know, as do most of you, that one of my weaknesses is thinking too much about the wrong things, or without resolution. Analysis without action.

I don't know if this very reluctant plod toward belief will stick, or make a difference. But what the hell. It's possibly this or shoot myself, and while some might prefer the latter, I'm a bit too cowardly to attempt that yet.