Economy Booms Thanks to Clint Eastwood's Chair

BY EMA NYMTON

--Omaha, Nebraska


Happy times are here again.

Overnight, the economy has definitively exited recession and unemployment has dropped to levels not seen since the 1990s. Real GDP is predicted to grow by an Eisenhower-era 11% this year. The Dow rallied 600 points yesterday.

And it's all due to a man and a chair.

Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Chair sales have skyrocketed, and Eastwood is now seen as a leading candidate for President.

"Clint Eastwood has saved this country," says Heddy Marshall, manager of the Nebraska Furniture Mart, the largest home furnishing store in the United States. "It's a miracle. Everyone wants Clint's chair. I've hired a thousand people today to help with the backlog, and may hire a thousand more tomorrow."

The chair in question is the Anderson model Featherweight Mark II, the "Grover Cleveland".

Eastwood's speech at the Republican National Convention on Thursday was criticized by many as being confusing, cranky, and inappropriately suggestive of a French existentialist play. But those critics are largely silent today, as the famed Hollywood actor and director has orchestrated what politicians from either party have struggled to do for the last four years.

Some are even trying to draft Eastwood into the presidential race.

"A man with a plan to support your can" bumper stickers, honoring Eastwood's contributions, have been selling like hotcakes. Demand was so strong that the Internet went down briefly, leading to a few tense moments in which the Pentagon believed it was an attack Chinese hackers.

"We almost bombed the shit outta them," Gen. Buck Turgidson, deputy commander of Strategic Air Command, said to reporters early Friday. "Good thing we didn't, because we're gonna need their factories to  build these goddamn chairs."

Not everyone is completely happy about the miraculous recovery in America's fortunes, however.

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney had been campaigning on economic issues. Now facing a strong economy, has been meeting with senior advisers and the leaders of the financial industry. Sources say they are discussing whether a new financial crisis could be created by securitizing chairs.