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| If Sesame Street loses fundin |
1. Big Bird will have to move in with his controlling sibling, Big Brother.
2. Cookie Monster will lose his healthcare coverage. Without methadone, he'll spiral back into full-fledged drug addiction.
3. Without a convenient supply of child guest stars, Elmo will start prowling preschools and parks in search of tickles.
4. The Count will return to his previous job as director of the Office of Management and Budget.
5. Without public housing and same-sex partner health benefits, Bert and Ernie will have to struggle in a long-distance relationship. Bert will move in with his father, who, as an evangelical Protestant minister in Indiana, will force him to undergo conversion therapy. Ernie will go back to his job at a gay strip club; however, having put on weight after years of comfortable domesticity, he will be forced to offer "extras", and eventually be busted for prostitution.
6. Mild-mannered Grover will show up to Congress and stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into Congressional representatives and employees. In an extreme case of irony, he will be stopped by Nancy Pelosi with an Uzi, who has long secretly taken advantage of a concealed weapons permit and the expiration of DC's assault weapons ban. Jim DeMint will be on record saying he wish he had been shot instead of having to thank her for saving his life.
7. Snuffleupagus will see his daily routine unchanged: wake up, get high with Tracy Morgan, and eat Doritos in his apartment.
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