My housemates, Renee and Andy, are engaged.

Over Christmas, my housemates, Renee and Andy, announced their engagement.

I'm posting this here since I have a horrible record of wedding attendance, and because it is best to say things now than tomorrow. Also, I have been warned that drunken, unplanned toasts are not to be permitted at this wedding.

(NB: Brief history why: At my Mom's wedding, I had three vodka drinks before delivering the toast. It was well received, though the details are a bit sketchy in my memory. I also note that I had neglected to finish my chicken before using my fork to ring the champagne glass. Yes, there are photos.)

So instead of embarrassing them live, I'll use the Internets. It's not like it'll be here forever, or anyone will read it. o.0


So here it goes, a draft, the product of a fatigued and often distracted mind - but it will never be shared if I wait for it, or me, to be perfect.

*

It is the fear of one who has not completely deserted nobler tendencies that when one goes through hell, one drags his companions with him. In truth, I do not know what extent my presence has affected their lives - I pray the damage has been minimal, and that there are some positives to offset any deficit. But suffice it to say that having spent over a year living with these two, I have been privy to a window into their lives and dynamics. I don't go so far to say it's more real or authentic, only different.

Like most couples, they bicker. There are the petty frustrations, the habits and quirks, the odd and - at first - unexpected avenues of adamantine faith that something must be so, or just so. There are things in each that I will no doubt feel are weird for the foreseeable future, and no doubt they feel the same way about each other.

They are different people. There is no - and I expect there will not be - any Hallmark sublimation of two individuals into one organic consciousness. There are adjustments, negotiatons, and compromises that I've even seen during my stay. But there will not be an Andrenee or a Reandy borne from this union. Food tastes alone should guarantee that, though I hold out hope that Renee will learn to appreciate a good steak, and Andy will someday be able to eat with only pepper at the table.

One of the critical things that makes it work - and it works splendidly in my view - is that they always, always communicate, even if it means argument. I don't think I've ever seen the "silent treatment" with these two. And that works because they've got healthy independent identities, and well-formed egos (in the psychoanalytical, not colloquial, sense). They share their days, their thoughts with each other. If there's a concern, it's brought up directly, and no matter how uncomfortable the moment, the long-term love remains. (I say uncomfortable, because that's the limit of how bad I've seen it - they don't "fight".)

So yes, communication is fantastic, which confirms present happiness and bodes well for the future.

But If there is one thing I'd like to share about them, one thing that gives me great confidence about their continued happiness they laugh together - a lot. Laughter is huge - I always here a lot of laughter when both are in the house. Real, genuine laughter - if I'm repeating myself, it is because laughter is ever-present in this house, a hallmark of beautiful, genuine joy. If we all laughed as much as each of them - not sarcastically or ruefully, but as cheerfully as they do - I think our lives and the world would be much better.

*

A pre-posthumous (though not preposterous) eulogizing might be appropriate here - obligatory in real or imagined toasts. As someone once said, it has the added beauty of being true. (I emphasize this here, lest my penchant for deceit or aggrandizement elsewhere lead people to distrust what I have to say.)

Each is a wonderful individual, whose contribution to my life has been immense.

Renee is one of the most level-headed people I know. Many of us - yours truly definitely included - invent drama to distract us from the tedium of life. She somehow, in her wisdom, has foregone unnecessary stress. A glass of wine in the evening, a quirky dog, kind friends, home improvement projects, and a wonderful significant other - in no particular order - are what give her satisfaction. It's odd sometimes - otherworldly in its worldliness to a dreamer like me. She's reminded me to be more of an optimist, to hold higher standards for personal behavior and responsibility. It will more work and results before I truly demonstrate I've learned well in addition to learning much from her. They say imitation is flattery, but counterfeiting is tacky. I hope then that the best compliment I can give to Renee is that I wish to be more like her, not specifying particulars, but in the way she carries herself and those she cares about through life.

Andy is, far and away, one of the quickest people I know. His mind bubbles with wit and cleverness. I'd be jealous if he weren't so damn funny most of the time. I emphasize that aspect, in part because I see the humor and laughter as a big part of the success of this relationship. But I don't want to downplay his other wonderful qualities. He is, of the men I know, one of the best at being romantic without being cheesy or playacting. Flowers frequently adorn our dining room table, at a stage in the relationship when most men - if they were ever so inclined - try less hard. He is an incredibly hard worker - I don't know how he gets his drive, his focus, his energy to maintain both the demands of his work and his many friendships. He is smart as hell, but in a way that never comes off as superior. He's a very different person from me in background, motivation, and interests. And he's taught me a lot about how men carry themselves, how they embody loyalty, vitality, and spirit. I think I would count myself lucky if I had Andy as an older brother - perhaps my compliment to him will be that, if I ever have a son, I would want him to be as industrious and loyal as Andy is.

*

"Legacy" is an odd word to use for people in their twenties, but those of us who have been touched by their kindness and inspired by their presence are part of that. Both have a right to be proud of who they are, and what they are building on this earth. And those of us, perhaps less endowed with the courage to really live life, can take lessons - hard lessons, but easier than we often think - that to build a legacy in the present of laughter and community is more immediately gratifying, more positive, and in the final analysis, more lasting than anything of stone and paper. If I wax a touch baroque with the language, forgive me - this old fart gets sentimental when it comes to these two.

So here's to them. I don't believe marriage will change them much - I have a window into what it's like, and it's as beautiful a vista as any mortal can hope for. Everyone in this virtual congress of kith and kin celebrate with you, are present at your wedding and in your lives in body or sentiment, because you mean a lot to us. Our duty and our joy is to remind you, each and together, of your value. Being imperfect, we may not always do this as often as you deserve, but hopefully we do at least as often as you need.

Best wishes,

Ryan