Citizens, patriots, Medicaid parasites, morons in public schools, rich morons in private schools, racists, bigots, chauvinists, pinko commies, neo-Confederates, my fellow Americans – I stand before you today a changed man, yet still a man, having man parts, and most importantly, man hearts. For it takes no less than three beating in my chest, one God-given, the other two because of a generous PPO that indulges my whims regarding elective surgery, to even begin to represent how much I love our country, broke, broken, and brokeback that it is.
Four years ago, I ran on the ticket of the Party for a Beautiful Society. Due to the oppressive socialist regime currently in power, I was forced to disband PBS because of a combination of “trademark infringement”, “violation of the Civil Rights Act of 1964”, and “crimes against muppets”. I use these air quotes because I stand by my position that Cookie Monster embodies the worst excesses of recidivism of our drug addicts, and that Bert and Ernie have not voted in a single major election in the last 28 years. Where is their patriotism? Where does it say in the constitution that blue and orange freaks are created equal? And where are those damn cookies?
Yet the times have changed, though we remain steadfast in our principles that ugly people should be denied the vote, and that I am uniquely qualified to steer this rickety ship of state at least as capably as that great Italian navigator of history. No, not that one – the other one. The newly organized New Pretty Republic Party believes in the traditional principles of “new is better”, and “ugly people are sad”. NPR will work day and night to deliver the message, in a gentle monotone if need be, to achieve the brainwashing –er, education of the people of this not-so-fair land.
I’ll keep this brief, as Bank of America has purchased the time that would have been allotted for the second half of this speech. God bless Citizens United! Today we face a wretched economy, rising healthcare costs. For the first time in generations, our children may look forward to increasingly large and annoying numbers of old people, with job opportunities only in fields directly related to washing the stank behinds of said old people, and replacing blown out colostomy bags.
For this reason, and for their distressing comfort with wrinkles and “graceful aging”, I believe I have the fix to our jobs problem, our healthcare costs, productivity, and underinvestment in speculative investments. As part of citizenship and residency requirements, we will institute an Internet technology literacy test. All residents and voting members of the public must complete a simple, standard, 12-hour set of exercises designed to test one’s tolerance for crappy Youtube videos and savviness/chauvinism regarding Internet search engines and providers. Naturally, forwarding emails about cats from one’s AOL account will be grounds for immediate deportation.
This is not a campaign against the old, as some have argued. The old may be ugly in general, but there are exceptions. (Damn that Betty White is hot!) Rather, by one simple, self-evident policy, we increase Internet productivity, cut down on Spam by an estimated 27%, reduce healthcare costs for companies, free up millions of job positions, and reduce landfill waste as our consumption of disposable diapers drops by 88%. Glory Hallelujah!
Due to previous problems caused by would-be VPs, I have decided to choose Elmo as my candidate. Some will argue that this is a cynical attempt to paper over previous issues with the Muppet community. Others will say it’s a cheap trick to get the 3-10 age group of voters. I agree on both points. But it is not cynical, and it definitely isn’t cheap. Elmo demanded half of the SuperPAC money up front, in small, unmarked bills.
In closing, let me say that it will be my honor to represent you once more in the upcoming, apocalyptic election of the end-of-the-era-according-to-unwashed-hippies. Remember: a vote for me is a vote for a more beautiful America.
