(delivered at PBS National Convention, Denver, CO, Thursday, Nov. 1, 2007)
Ladies and gentlemen, nominators, members of the press, big oil, celebrities, despotic warlords, my fellow Americans... I humbly and graciously accept your nomination for the presidential candidacy of the United States. I am proud to represent the Party for a Beautiful Society, dedicated since 1798 to abolishing from the Americas ugly people of all races, creeds, genders, and sexual orientations. As I gaze out into the stands of tans, silicone implants, botox lips and lipo hips, I am tremendously proud of how far America has come these many years.
America is great for many reasons. It is great because of the rule of law. I wish to congratulate the Party for a Beautiful Society and the PBS chairman for his successful trademark infringement suit against the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. As we speak, law enforcement officials are storming Sesame Street offices, repossessing Ernie's rubber duckie, evicting Oscar the Grouch from his garbage can, sending Cookie Monster to the Betty Ford Clinic (where he can get the help he needs and deserves), and arresting Elmo on charges of tickle solicitation of minors.
America is also great because of our free markets. Where else but America can you find a nation that spends as much on plastic surgery, weight loss, cosmetics, and manicures as our federal government spends on education, and as much as the entire GDP of Kazakhstan?
But it is great especially because of our commitment to democracy. In that spirit, my runningmate and I will tattoo our campaign slogan - Beauty, Manliness, Codependency - to the body part that receives the most votes on the poll available on our campaign website, americahatesuggos.com
Beauty, Manliness, Codependency - what does it mean, exactly?
The beauty is self-evident. You beautiful, beautiful people have come from the beaches of California, from the tanning salons of South Carolina, from botox clubs in Connecticut and butt implant clinics in Texas. Yet America is facing a severe crisis - there is projected a shortage of beautiful people, and the people who maintain that beauty, as one generation of plastic surgeons, movie stars, and make-up research scientists retire. As president, I will make sure we expand our immigration application process to incorporate benefits for those who bring plastic surgery talent or cosmetic manufacturing, or the prime ingredient of attractiveness, good genes. I also pledge make cosmetic testing on humans mandatory. I also promise you a K-12 national make-up program, to be modeled after our public school free lunches, that will make ours, truly, a Great Society.
Across this country, people have asked me, Senator Yamada, how will you restore manliness to America? I'll tell you how I won't do this - by embracing the chauvinism of previous administrations. I promise you that as president, my cabinet will have more women than any in history. I'll go further- I pledge that it will be made exclusively of young, nubile women.
No, I believe that manliness must start at home before we seek to project it abroad with phallic cruise missiles. I pledge tonight to ensure that the legacy of my presidency will be unparalleled warfare between the branches of civil government, with the executive branch emerging bloody but unbowed after the first hundred days of partisan shock and awe.
In the days before the Civil War, it might be possible to find manly leaders like South Carolina Senator Brook, who in 1856 severely beat fellow Senator Sumner of Massachusetts with his cane on the Senate floor. I assure you that as president I will resurrect this ancient, manly tradition of mortal combat between our elected officials. I propose that we build a Supercolliding Senatorium, where the highest, most distinguished officials of the land will decide the issues of the day in a many demolition derby. And I promise you that we will not limit our destructive democratic derby to SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY, but devote every working hour to the ideal the Greeks once articulated: truth is born from the collision of ideas - and the idea-doers.
And finally, codependency. Where would America - its families, its workplaces, its churches - be without codependency? Codependency has gotten a bad rap, mostly from the liberal academics and mainstream media. Codependency is the essence of a functioning democracy. Scientists tell us that the only thing keeping my Cro-Magnon, hormone-crazed mind from killing all male non-relatives in the room is my overpowering terror of being alone, unloved, and abandoned.
We are all codependent - this is a globalized economy. Now, we need to take the next step, and embrace codependent fiscal policy. Subprime? Sublime! I want every American to know that the government is like a loving parent - a willing, waiting, gentle cash machine, here to kiss all your boo-boos and make it better. Each individual must have the courage to invest his sense of self-worth in the opinions of others, in how he looks, and how much he makes, and shun the easy and familiar paths of character-building and independent reason. Only then can we become a united America, a closer America. Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we sign this American Declaration of Codependence.
America is at a crossroads. At home our citizens are dispirited, frustrated, seeking direction, and angry about American Idol. My fellow Americans, we cannot let this continue.
If we are to be great, an Empire over which the sun does not set, we must build a space-based mega-magnifying glass, so that we may focus American will and the Sun's blessed rays in a terawatt beam of righteous fire to smite the evil-doers. If we are to be a nation without borders, we must conquer foreign soil until we are truly a world united under one system. And if we are to triumph over the Atlantian menace, we must extend our reach, too, to the undersea floor, by means of midget submarines, manned by our NBA all-stars, for in a mad age like ours, irony is our best defense against the undersea infidels.
You may elect me because I am sexy. And I will use my physical God-given gifts to seduce the leadership and movie stars of foreign nations to erect partnerships to cement American influence.
You may elect me because you think it would be interesting to have model minority Orientals in charge for a change. And I promise that my first act as President will be to rename the residence the Yellow House.
But I want you to support me, vote for me, bear arms for me, fight for me, have children for me, work for me, and die for me, because you genuinely believe that I am the best candidate, endowed with the arrogance, violence, ego, ambition, and psychedelic vision needed to lead this Empire for the term of my presidency... and, if our scientists should so bless us with the ability preserve my living floating head in a jar, for the next 1000 years of American hegemony, so help us God.
God save the American people from the enemies abroad and the ugly people at home. Thank you for this honor. Thank you for your love, and God bless America.
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