Friday, August 31, 2012

Economy Booms Thanks to Clint Eastwood's Chair

BY EMA NYMTON

--Omaha, Nebraska


Happy times are here again.

Overnight, the economy has definitively exited recession and unemployment has dropped to levels not seen since the 1990s. Real GDP is predicted to grow by an Eisenhower-era 11% this year. The Dow rallied 600 points yesterday.

And it's all due to a man and a chair.

Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Chair sales have skyrocketed, and Eastwood is now seen as a leading candidate for President.


"Clint Eastwood has saved this country," says Heddy Marshall, manager of the Nebraska Furniture Mart, the largest home furnishing store in the United States. "It's a miracle. Everyone wants Clint's chair. I've hired a thousand people today to help with the backlog, and may hire a thousand more tomorrow."

The chair in question is the Anderson model Featherweight Mark II, the "Grover Cleveland".

Eastwood's speech at the Republican National Convention on Thursday was criticized by many as being confusing, cranky, and inappropriately suggestive of a French existentialist play. But those critics are largely silent today, as the famed Hollywood actor and director has orchestrated what politicians from either party have struggled to do for the last four years.

Some are even trying to draft Eastwood into the presidential race.

"A man with a plan to support your can" bumper stickers, honoring Eastwood's contributions, have been selling like hotcakes. Demand was so strong that the Internet went down briefly, leading to a few tense moments in which the Pentagon believed it was an attack Chinese hackers.

"We almost bombed the shit outta them," Gen. Buck Turgidson, deputy commander of Strategic Air Command, said to reporters early Friday. "Good thing we didn't, because we're gonna need their factories to  build these goddamn chairs."

Not everyone is completely happy about the miraculous recovery in America's fortunes, however.

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney had been campaigning on economic issues. Now facing a strong economy, has been meeting with senior advisers and the leaders of the financial industry. Sources say they are discussing whether a new financial crisis could be created by securitizing chairs.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Thinking about possible reasons for Mitt Romney to not release his tax returns

A thought experiment: imagine you're Mitt Romney. Why might you choose to not release your tax returns prior to 2010?

First, I want to address the matter of principle. I suppose any man, especially a wealthy man, might be loath to release his tax records. They can reveal a great deal about a person - their donations, their assets, the type and manner of income, and the various deductions. It is entirely possible that everything done was legal, and, moreover, ethical.

But it's too simplistic. And as we know from Lance Armstrong's "no contest" position on doping, in the matter of public opinion, one really is guilty until proven innocent. So, again, acknowledging the possibility that there is nothing either legally or morally wrong with any of Romney's tax records, I'm going to speculate on what might be wrong.

As a starting point, consider the time frame involved. Harry Reid, in either a moment of partisan inspiration or particularly psychotic gaffe, claimed that Romney hasn't paid taxes in the last ten years. Further, note that the Obama administration offered a deal to Romney: show us five years of returns, and we'll drop it.

To clarify, I'm assuming that the appropriate time frames are 2001-2011 and 2007-2011, give or take a year, as I'm not clear whether the released 2010 return and 2011 estimated tax are counted.

The five-year time period is particularly intriguing. Whatever happened in 2001-2006, it wasn't nearly as interesting as what happened in 2007-2011. In other words, his income from his time at Bain Capital is not the issue.

So what happened during 2001-2006? A tech bubble burst, and a recovery, accompanied by an even greater bubble in real estate. Though perhaps not relevant, I'll mention that 9/11, the Iraq War, and Katrina fall into this time period.

What happened in 2007-2011? A massive crash and recession brought about by a collapse in the real estate and credit markets, and only the beginnings of a recovery.

But there are other things that occurred during the last five years.

1. California Proposition 8

Prop 8 sought to overturn gay marriage in California. It passed by a pretty narrow margin, and was heavily funded by out-of-state organizations, including conservative religious institutions like the Church of Latter-Day Saints.

2. Repeal of long-term and reduction of short-term capital gains taxes

I remember that, at least for 2008 (and possibly other years), the long-term capital gains tax was eliminated. For example, this means any American taxpayer could sell stock held for at least one year and not pay any taxes on the gain. I know this is true because I took advantage of it myself. The short-term capital gains tax, while not zero, was reduced to 15%.

Could these be relevant?

Perhaps.

Warning: I'm going to engage in tax hypothetical situations

Let's assume Harry Reid isn't ridiculously off-base with his claim. How could this be true? Maybe it could be done if Romney realized massive amounts of short-term losses in 2001-2002, then carried forward those losses to offset short-term gains in the future. (This can be done, if I recall, for three years.) So, depending on how badly Romney's assets took a hit during the tech bubble crash, he could have paid no taxes at all during 2001-2005.

However, he could also have known, as I'm sure many senior Republicans (and Democrats) were aware, that Bush would push through a tax cut that would lead to the abolition of long-term capital gains. And so, being savvy, he might have held stocks from after the tech bubble crash to some point in 2008, hopefully, for his sake, before the financial crisis. He could have realized large gains (60-70% is not unreasonable, given the performance of the S&P500 during that period) and not had to pay any taxes on those gains.

Of course, any ordinary income could continue to be taxed at his rate. And I don't know if short-term capital losses can offset ordinary income; consequently, it's pretty unlikely he paid no taxes whatsoever. (I would be amused, but surprised, if the Romneys had large amounts of heavily subsidized farmland.)

All of this would, of course, be perfectly legal and legitimate, and not have to make use of offshore accounts. Of course, adding that feature, and one could probably pull a tax rate in the single digits. And it would make Romney's son's comment, "He's paid his taxes", true, though perhaps unsatisfying in its completeness.

Finally, there is one other intriguing possibility: Romney shorted the market during the financial crisis. I think this is compelling, in part, because of his connections and financial sophistication. If he had invested with John Paulson, for instance, he would have made a massive amount in 2008. These hypothetical gains probably wouldn't have been tax-free - it'd be pretty impressive for someone to have been short the market for an entire year - but then again hedge funds do strive for tax efficiency.

Of course, this all assumes Romney got the market right. What if he got it wrong? Could it be embarrassing to reveal that he's a lot less rich than people think? that he, like the rest of us, got hoodwinked in 2001, and again in 2008? His advantage over Obama is supposed to be his business/executive experience.

The financial aspects are more compelling than the possibly massive donation to Prop 8. Quite frankly, I doubt being strongly anti-gay would hurt him all that much. As much as my gay friends have griped about Obama, not a single one that I know of will be voting for Romney in November.

All of this is idle speculation, however, and I don't have the energy or inclination to really investigate it. Presumably someone has. But I decided to engage in some thought experiments before I went digging, assuming I ever get around to it.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I deserve an orgy today! (And so do you!)




*Updated 8/23/2012, 12:36 PM
**Updated 8/23/2012, 12:47 PM

At first glance, it appears to be an Civony/Evony ad. (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, read the wiki section on its advertising campaign.)

I was going to post it in the folder “the Internets make me laugh”. But, for purely scholastic reasons, I decided to investigate further. Evidently Wartune is made by R2games, a company based out of Hong Kong specializing in online micropayment games.

This immediately piqued my interest – why, precisely, would a Chinese firm choose the path of appealing to our prurient public performance proclivities?

Perhaps this was a subtle form of Communist propaganda. After all, in the truest form of Communism, individualism is seen as antiquated and selfish; rather, the individual belongs to each other. (Note that I am referencing Marx’s form of Communism, in which the terminus of historical evolution results in the withering of the state, and not its more historical totalitarian manifestations.) In such a utopia, the individual’s body doesn't truly belong to the self, but to everyone.

 If so, this insidious form of brainwashing is an outrage, and has no place on sites accessible in America, and warrants the formation of a national firewall. How else can we safeguard our liberty and proud tradition of sexual repression than by employing a national internet censor?

 But just as I was about to call my congresswoman, another thought occurred to me. On the contrary, it might in fact a subtle critique of the Communist party. Historically, and across cultural bounds, totalitarian Communism has been characterized by strong restrictions on individual conduct, going as far as to enforce a moral code. What better way to protest than with public displays of affection – already censured near areas like the Forbidden Palace? *insert picture here of two women making out at said location behind the back of a guard*

Would Tank Man have been more effective if, instead of shopping bags, he had been holding the ample bosoms of fellow protesters? The tank driver might have joined them, and history as we know it would be different.

Yet perhaps I am being too pedestrian, and not giving enough credence to a more universal message. Could it be that the game company is trying to encourage the individual to achieve self-actualization?

Shouldn't we seek to unshackle ourselves from societal norms that reinforce negative self-image, borne in a desire to control population and social mobility, a desire made impotent by the availability of inexpensive prophylactics and topical creams?

 How much misery have we visited on ourselves, and upon other people, by denying the universal and natural desire to have sex with hundreds of people in a public place?

This, THIS explanation was the most satisfying. And it was then that I resolved to be part of the vanguard of this revolution. I have shed my clothes, and my cloak of shame, and am prepared to frolic in the streets, bringing to others, and myself, the emancipation of self.

And I owe it all to an advertisement.

I deserve an orgy TODAY. And so do you, dear reader. So do you. So let's go forth and orgiate.

As Mr. Rogers once said, “It's time for make-believe with Mr. McFeely.”


*Evidently I'm a bit too forward thinking for the LA County Sheriff's Deputies. Would someone please bring a $10,000 bail bond to the local jailhouse?

**Yes, I used my one phone call to update my blog. Besides, I found something that might invalidate my previous analysis. This was also on the R2games site.

Maybe a subsequent analysis will explore the orgy connection with resurgent right-wing extremism in Northern Europe. Perhaps I'll ask the nice Nordic gentleman that shares a cell with me.