I'm running for office, again!

My fellow Americans.
As none of you may know, I have, in anticipation of a recall election, decided to run for the highest office in the land – I want to be your next mayor of San Gabriel. While Mr. Hwang reinforces existing negative stereotypes about Asians’ singleminded focus on money and dangerous driving, I promise to give you completely new reasons to regard us with scorn and horror.

Some voices in my head have asked, “Ryan, why would you want to run for mayor?” To answer this, let me tell you a story. A few years ago, I was a lowly graduate student in an obscure school, studying something involving very high things. A guest, Dr. Janna Levin, had a pizza lunch with me and my fellow peons. One particularly interesting question asked was, “If you could be anything except an astronomer, what would you be?” I recall that my answer was “local public official, because it combines the best combination of power and lack of accountability”.

It was then that I realized that in four years, after I grew tired of mooching off my parents, I would embark upon this glorious crusade to ensure an absolute lack of change in how things are done.

This election, we have heard candidates from the left and the right promise change, bemoan the status quo, and spend so much money on television advertisements that I’m actually starting to miss the stupid Geico crying pig commercials.

I am here to reassure you that, as mayor, I won’t change a damn thing. All these candidates who promise change never ask you, the voter, you, the ATM machine, whether you really want change. We (weeeeeeeeeeee!) do not ask ourselves that question enough – though my personal record is 834 times in a day.

If things changed for the better, what would we complain about? Who would be blame for our own failings? Most importantly, who would we feel smarter than? We need our current dysfunctional state of government because it salves our ego, absolves us of personal responsibility, and provides an economic stimulus to the nationally vital late night comedian industry.
And, of course, things could always change for the worse. We could have zombies roaming the streets, the result of an experiment involving so-called “health care”. We could have translucent golems prowling our neighborhoods, scaring our children, the result of so-called “recycling plastic bottles”. We could realize that we are bankrupt, thanks to so-called “transparency” and “standard accounting practices”, rather than live in the only mildly uncomfortable state of suspecting, but not knowing, that we’re all going to have to work until we’re dead.

Remember that it can always get worse. Remember that, and let it infect your dreams. Let it dominate your waking thoughts. For this is what these “change” people offer.

Friends, Bro-mans, and Country Chickeners, lend me your fears!

I promise to reinforce the status quo as vigorously as any 19th century Austrian diplomat. I promise that local government will continue to muck around, displaying no initiative or creativity. I definitely will guarantee no attempts to improve schools – after all, children are the cheap labor of the future, and you can’t have their heads filled with arithmetic, or questions, or, God forbid, ANSWERS. It’s how the Greatest Generation dealt with the Boomers, and it’s how we’ll maintain an 18th century standard of living.

In closing, let me just say that, as mayor, I will be exactly what you expect from local officials – corrupt, incompetent, and crazy. (Shut up.) Who’s talking during my speech? (You are, idiot.) No you’re an idiot.

Anyway, vote for me. Remember – a vote for me isn’t a vote against hope; it’s a vote for fear.