Dear Bella

< I was listed on Facebook as being "In a Relationship" with Bella Stierwalt. For those of you too lazy to check, Bella is actually an English Bulldog owned by Sabrina, a graduate student in the department. I decided to end our FB relationship for reasons outlined in a letter I wrote below:


Dear Bella,

I know, the FB feed was probably a bad way to find out. But we knew it might happen like this, even if we didn't want to admit it.

We need to remember that we had lots of good times, and that we're both better for having known each other.

Remember Paris? Who could forget when you tore the hair off a French poodle giving me the eye as we walked along the Seine? Or when I held you in my arms as you gave Paris a Taco Bell salute from the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower?

I don't want to focus on what went wrong, but it's probably something worth talking about. I didn't mind the drooling, or the humping of my leg in public - both were kind of cool. And I really didn't care that you refused to get your teeth done - it's so consumer culture anyway.

If you must know, it's the illicit tummy rubbing. I knew you were getting your tummy rubbed by others - I've known since November. I thought it would stop - maybe it's your way of dealing with seasonal affective disorder. But even though spring came a bit late, I thought it would've stopped by now.

I understand that maybe it's ridiculous to think that any one man could satisfy your complicated needs, but still, it was a bit much when I walked into Space Sciences and seeing you in a group tummyrub with the entire Alfalfa group, Patrick, and three plush toys. Who the hell needs three plush toys?

And I know that those were someone else's bite marks on that rawhide bone I gave you on our anniversary.

I have to be honest. I've been told by a lot of women that they assumed I was in a relationship, with, you know, a human woman... the implication being, that some very nice women thought that I was taken and decided not to express interest.

You know that I would never break up with you because I've met someone else, or because you're, you know, a dog. The truth is, I don't really see us getting old together, relishing our golden years before encroaching incontinence takes all the fun out of being a senior citizen.

Bella, you're a wonderful dog, and deserve someone who can love you for the dog you are. You'll find that man/woman/dog/tree someday, and no one will be cheering louder for you than me.

Take care, sweetie. We'll always have Paris.

- Ryan